Great Expectations...

Through the wonder that is internet dating, I have learned many things. Perhaps one of the most difficult things to swallow is that many of these guys were not looking for love…but more, they were looking for that first love. The feeling they had with that one person that still carries around a piece of their soul. I always wonder where that leaves me. Apparently all too often with my ass on the sidelines.

So I find myself on a non-date with a guy that I had previously been on an actual date with. Odd. I had met several other men recently who were “one date wonders”, and we would both claim that we wanted to hang out again as friends, both knowing it would never happen. But not this guy, he calls me almost daily, but claims he’s not into me. Whatever. Who am I to complain? Its like looking a gift horse in the mouth. If someone who makes decent company wants to be my friend, call me up…seems silly to say no. As I’ve noticed throughout these recent years, loneliness can drive a person to decisions they may not otherwise make, and perhaps make friendships they’d not otherwise forge.

Sitting in a P.F. Chang’s in Natick, MA, he jokingly claims to be a man whore, and I laugh, because first off, the kid is kinda goofy. Secondly, the phrase “man whore” is pretty funny. The way I see it a whore is a whore no matter a person’s gender or orientation. But he liked to wear it as a badge of studliness. I tried to cut through his constant sarcastic façade…recognizing the symptoms from the fact of having the protective/defensive condition myself. Still, I tried to consider his words objectively, and asked what he was really looking for. For some reason, I guess it resonated with him. “Love” he said. He continued on to tell me about the one love that that still had him hostage. Its that one love to which all future love interests will compare. I’ve heard this story many times before, the names, the places, the times different, but the sentiment the exact same.

Somewhat begrudgingly, he tells me that I’d be “dating material” if he was “in a different place” right now. Cites me as being smart, funny and attractive. Super. “Maybe he’ll come around eventually” was my first thought, but I had put myself in the position of waiting for someone to become emotionally available in the past, and that had never ended so well.

Of course, you ask a question like that, and you ought to be prepared for it to turn back around to you. What was it that I wanted? Sometimes I think I have the answer to this. Someone who I can tell anything to and they won’t judge me for it. Someone I can be myself around. Someone that can make me laugh. Someone that GETS ME. I have a lot of life philosophies that are a bit out there for most people, so finding that is not always easy. I want someone who can finish my sentences, who knows what I’m going to say before I say it. Just like Russ can? Like the big sap that I am, I tried to fight back the tears. It seems lately that whenever the subject of Russ comes up, the waterworks turn on. I excused myself to the ladies room, because if I was going to cry, I’d not be doing it in front of someone I don’t know so well. Turns out I’m no different from these guys that had this feeling, this person idealized. Searching with futility for the exact feeling I once had…