Through the wonder that is internet dating, I have learned many things. Perhaps one of the most difficult things to swallow is that many of these guys were not looking for love…but more, they were looking for that first love. The feeling they had with that one person that still carries around a piece of their soul. I always wonder where that leaves me. Apparently all too often with my ass on the sidelines.
So I find myself on a non-date with a guy that I had previously been on an actual date with. Odd. I had met several other men recently who were “one date wonders”, and we would both claim that we wanted to hang out again as friends, both knowing it would never happen. But not this guy, he calls me almost daily, but claims he’s not into me. Whatever. Who am I to complain? Its like looking a gift horse in the mouth. If someone who makes decent company wants to be my friend, call me up…seems silly to say no. As I’ve noticed throughout these recent years, loneliness can drive a person to decisions they may not otherwise make, and perhaps make friendships they’d not otherwise forge.
Sitting in a P.F. Chang’s in Natick, MA, he jokingly claims to be a man whore, and I laugh, because first off, the kid is kinda goofy. Secondly, the phrase “man whore” is pretty funny. The way I see it a whore is a whore no matter a person’s gender or orientation. But he liked to wear it as a badge of studliness. I tried to cut through his constant sarcastic façade…recognizing the symptoms from the fact of having the protective/defensive condition myself. Still, I tried to consider his words objectively, and asked what he was really looking for. For some reason, I guess it resonated with him. “Love” he said. He continued on to tell me about the one love that that still had him hostage. Its that one love to which all future love interests will compare. I’ve heard this story many times before, the names, the places, the times different, but the sentiment the exact same.
Somewhat begrudgingly, he tells me that I’d be “dating material” if he was “in a different place” right now. Cites me as being smart, funny and attractive. Super. “Maybe he’ll come around eventually” was my first thought, but I had put myself in the position of waiting for someone to become emotionally available in the past, and that had never ended so well.
Of course, you ask a question like that, and you ought to be prepared for it to turn back around to you. What was it that I wanted? Sometimes I think I have the answer to this. Someone who I can tell anything to and they won’t judge me for it. Someone I can be myself around. Someone that can make me laugh. Someone that GETS ME. I have a lot of life philosophies that are a bit out there for most people, so finding that is not always easy. I want someone who can finish my sentences, who knows what I’m going to say before I say it. Just like Russ can? Like the big sap that I am, I tried to fight back the tears. It seems lately that whenever the subject of Russ comes up, the waterworks turn on. I excused myself to the ladies room, because if I was going to cry, I’d not be doing it in front of someone I don’t know so well. Turns out I’m no different from these guys that had this feeling, this person idealized. Searching with futility for the exact feeling I once had…
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Looks like the real thing...
The reason for starting a blog in the first place is to get the dirt out from under the ol’ carpet. Recently in a note on facebook, a friend of mine revealed that she had been trying not to tell any lies for the past year. I responded in jest that “I have built a whole persona around my lies! What happens when I ditch them and I am left basically naked?” I guess its less joke than I’d like, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. What would it be like to live completely out in the open, and be totally up front with people? I’m imagining it will be a little scary, but ultimately liberating. I’d like to stop worrying about what is socially acceptable, and the things you aren’t supposed to tell people. I was raised to keep anything unflattering, objectionable or otherwise “strange” private. Turns out, I’m nowhere near as conservative as my parents, I don’t care for the white picket fence illusion, and I’m not going to be ashamed of my “deficiencies”.
I wish I could tell you that everything I have to say would be pleasant, or that I’d be sticking a heaping pile of my signature sarcasm and wisecracking into all that is written, but that’s not where I’m at right now, and I feel like I’m on a quest for the truth…about me, about you (whomever you are) and the world at large. Sometimes it will be light, funny, amusing, wonderful, and sometimes it will be deep, dark and painfully dry, like life itself. So here I go…any feedback can be left here or sent to leeshi78@gmail.com, or to my facebook account…as of late, I’ve been a veritable facebook whore…
And, just in case anyone was wondering, yes, the blog title comes from the Radiohead song, and “like the real thing” is from the lyrics. That song always resonated with me in a deep and personal way. The title takes on many, many meanings to me…if you aren’t familiar, I can change that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O10HGNOkyIk
I wish I could tell you that everything I have to say would be pleasant, or that I’d be sticking a heaping pile of my signature sarcasm and wisecracking into all that is written, but that’s not where I’m at right now, and I feel like I’m on a quest for the truth…about me, about you (whomever you are) and the world at large. Sometimes it will be light, funny, amusing, wonderful, and sometimes it will be deep, dark and painfully dry, like life itself. So here I go…any feedback can be left here or sent to leeshi78@gmail.com, or to my facebook account…as of late, I’ve been a veritable facebook whore…
And, just in case anyone was wondering, yes, the blog title comes from the Radiohead song, and “like the real thing” is from the lyrics. That song always resonated with me in a deep and personal way. The title takes on many, many meanings to me…if you aren’t familiar, I can change that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O10HGNOkyIk
If it looks like a duck...
Everyday, for close to two months now, I tell myself I am going to spend significant time researching and applying for jobs. And pretty much without fail, I end up spending significant time procrastinating and distracting myself from the task at hand, only to be left berating myself by the end of the day.
I’ve been here before. More times than I’d like to admit. Lost in what can only be summed up as a void. I’m not coming and I’m not going. I can’t move, yet I’m afraid not to. Its hard to explain how I get so stuck. I’m not even entirely sure I understand it fully myself, but I don’t feel I challenge it the way I should. This lack of discernable motivation is something I’ve dealt with for years…a lifetime. It manifests as procrastination, denial, and what can appear like a general slackerish approach to life. (Slackerish…I made it up, but it works.) Well, by this point in the game, I’ve made it such a big deal, that this anti-motivational force has a life of its own…this paralysis and the trail of short lived jobs left over 5 different states and 6 years time.
I have to say it’s a sore subject. Someone suggesting that I’m being LAZY can send my whole day into a tailspin. It brings me back to being a bitter teenager and being called lazy for not doing the dishes right away, or not cleaning my room. But it never felt like an accurate assessment and it always hurt me. It didn’t have anything to do with a lack of respect, as my parents would have suggested. This bothers me not only because I’m afraid it might be true, but because someone else has noticed. I think I’ve tried pretty hard to cover up my flaws and the dirty, ugly things I don’t like and don’t really approve of, like having spent the majority of 2008 working in a low paying retail job or having to move back to my parents’ house…how do I explain that away? At best, I try to make it look like some sort of strategic move (i.e. saving on rent). Anything to keep anyone from passing judgment on a person that I don’t want to be representative of me (or even worse…if it really is the “actual” me). My inner critic has taken a precious toll on my emotional well being.
So all this to decide if I’m a true slacker that has felt for so long that people expect more from me, because despite my apparent aversion to “hard work”, I had always performed well in school and such endeavors, and people called me things like “smart”, “creative”, “talented” and whenever you have these things, people expect you to use them. I know I’ve taken other peoples desires and expectations on myself, and a little too seriously. Maybe I just need to be comfortable with the idea that I’m not one of those highly driven people, and sometimes I just want to be left alone to read my magazines, make cupcakes and partake in aimless wandering, and not have to be responsible for anything of consequence. But I can't see being satisfied with just that. Or, if not a “true slacker", what the hell am I doing and where’s my motivation? Why do I constantly have this little voice telling me I’m supposed to be doing something big…something significant? How did I get so self judgmental? If I am an “artist” like some people propose, why am I not spending all of my free time making art? What do I have all these ideas for great projects and endeavors and they never see the light of day? What is it that steals my drive? More importantly, how do I get it back? Am I being compelled by the thoughts of what I think others want me to do? Why do I feel like the only one so road blocked? Everyone else seems to be getting on just fine in their lives, not that I’d suggest everyone else has it easy, quite the contrary. I wonder what gives them the ability to overcome their obstacles, and I am often quite envious.
I’m more than guilty of a little self pity. Certainly the amount of time I’ve spent over-analyzing all this stuff that has “gone terribly wrong” hasn’t helped. The time I’ve spent trying to deal with the symptoms of depression and anxiety disorder has drained me. Though mostly under control at this point, the anxiety attacks can get so bad, that I don’t always have the ability to stay at work, or to even make it in. If I do, I cannot focus on work, the quest to alleviate the intensity of the panic takes all precedence. It overwhelms me. And the Chronic Fatigue Disorder that has a death-grip on my energy level hits me hard. True, my genetic predispositions are a major problem in gaining forward momentum, but I feel I’d be cheating myself if I placed sole blame on that.
I realize I’ve glossed over much of what has gone RIGHT and the things that I should be grateful for, and the luck that I have, because, honestly things could be much worse, and I know that. I also know that I WILL get my shit together, and that its going to take a lot of hard work and facing up to the fact that no matter how I got to where I am, it is my responsibility to get myself out of it. In some ways, owning up to that responsibility and suppressing the accompanying omnipresent guilt will be a formidable task, but its best I take it head on now, rather than living in denial any longer.
I’ve been here before. More times than I’d like to admit. Lost in what can only be summed up as a void. I’m not coming and I’m not going. I can’t move, yet I’m afraid not to. Its hard to explain how I get so stuck. I’m not even entirely sure I understand it fully myself, but I don’t feel I challenge it the way I should. This lack of discernable motivation is something I’ve dealt with for years…a lifetime. It manifests as procrastination, denial, and what can appear like a general slackerish approach to life. (Slackerish…I made it up, but it works.) Well, by this point in the game, I’ve made it such a big deal, that this anti-motivational force has a life of its own…this paralysis and the trail of short lived jobs left over 5 different states and 6 years time.
I have to say it’s a sore subject. Someone suggesting that I’m being LAZY can send my whole day into a tailspin. It brings me back to being a bitter teenager and being called lazy for not doing the dishes right away, or not cleaning my room. But it never felt like an accurate assessment and it always hurt me. It didn’t have anything to do with a lack of respect, as my parents would have suggested. This bothers me not only because I’m afraid it might be true, but because someone else has noticed. I think I’ve tried pretty hard to cover up my flaws and the dirty, ugly things I don’t like and don’t really approve of, like having spent the majority of 2008 working in a low paying retail job or having to move back to my parents’ house…how do I explain that away? At best, I try to make it look like some sort of strategic move (i.e. saving on rent). Anything to keep anyone from passing judgment on a person that I don’t want to be representative of me (or even worse…if it really is the “actual” me). My inner critic has taken a precious toll on my emotional well being.
So all this to decide if I’m a true slacker that has felt for so long that people expect more from me, because despite my apparent aversion to “hard work”, I had always performed well in school and such endeavors, and people called me things like “smart”, “creative”, “talented” and whenever you have these things, people expect you to use them. I know I’ve taken other peoples desires and expectations on myself, and a little too seriously. Maybe I just need to be comfortable with the idea that I’m not one of those highly driven people, and sometimes I just want to be left alone to read my magazines, make cupcakes and partake in aimless wandering, and not have to be responsible for anything of consequence. But I can't see being satisfied with just that. Or, if not a “true slacker", what the hell am I doing and where’s my motivation? Why do I constantly have this little voice telling me I’m supposed to be doing something big…something significant? How did I get so self judgmental? If I am an “artist” like some people propose, why am I not spending all of my free time making art? What do I have all these ideas for great projects and endeavors and they never see the light of day? What is it that steals my drive? More importantly, how do I get it back? Am I being compelled by the thoughts of what I think others want me to do? Why do I feel like the only one so road blocked? Everyone else seems to be getting on just fine in their lives, not that I’d suggest everyone else has it easy, quite the contrary. I wonder what gives them the ability to overcome their obstacles, and I am often quite envious.
I’m more than guilty of a little self pity. Certainly the amount of time I’ve spent over-analyzing all this stuff that has “gone terribly wrong” hasn’t helped. The time I’ve spent trying to deal with the symptoms of depression and anxiety disorder has drained me. Though mostly under control at this point, the anxiety attacks can get so bad, that I don’t always have the ability to stay at work, or to even make it in. If I do, I cannot focus on work, the quest to alleviate the intensity of the panic takes all precedence. It overwhelms me. And the Chronic Fatigue Disorder that has a death-grip on my energy level hits me hard. True, my genetic predispositions are a major problem in gaining forward momentum, but I feel I’d be cheating myself if I placed sole blame on that.
I realize I’ve glossed over much of what has gone RIGHT and the things that I should be grateful for, and the luck that I have, because, honestly things could be much worse, and I know that. I also know that I WILL get my shit together, and that its going to take a lot of hard work and facing up to the fact that no matter how I got to where I am, it is my responsibility to get myself out of it. In some ways, owning up to that responsibility and suppressing the accompanying omnipresent guilt will be a formidable task, but its best I take it head on now, rather than living in denial any longer.
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